What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
