he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
