I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
