dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
