The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
