My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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