My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
