She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Green mimosas i think yes
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
