Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
