just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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