Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
