he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
this is an emotional support booty call
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
