I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
