I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
