I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just found puke in my bra..
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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