i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
