dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
