he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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