3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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