dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
