he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
two words...techno handjob
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
