Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
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I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
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He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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