i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
