if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
