Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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