omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
