so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
