The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
