Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
