somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
