like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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