Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
