what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
