last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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