I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
