she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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