Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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