the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
