I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
