My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
