Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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