You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
