I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
