I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
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She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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