wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
