Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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