Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
don't judge my taste in strippers
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
