I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
