I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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