im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I will pee on everything he values.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
