Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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