nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
