Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
