i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
