I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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