my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
