I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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