I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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