this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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