she woke up with a sticky ear
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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